Whew! What a day. I started off with meditation and was feeling peaceful and optimistic about my day. Then I called my mother to check on the home attendant and that peace was disrupted. I found it hard to get it back for the rest of the day. I realize that I may lose this home attendant before I fire her...either way her time is about to come to an end. So I need to kick it into high gear to once again get some things in place before I get to NY into order to return home knowing my mother is being taken care of. I've been doing so much research and talking to so many people. The ideas and advice sound great in theory, but in reality it's a different story. I cannot implement anything if my mother doesn't cooperate. And who am I to think that I know what's best for her? This is so confusing. I can't just leave her alone. Everywhere I go for help there's a price tag attached but no one seems to really care. As my sweetie pointed out, what happened to the days when churches would have a committee to check on the "sick and shut-in". Members of the church would come by the house with a pot of food, ask the member if they needed anything, pick them up to take them to service or even give communion. My mother hasn't been to church since May at least and no one has been over to see her in an official capacity. A couple of her friends call and stop by but that's it. They are elderly themselves and can only do so much.
You know, I got on my sweetie's case this morning because he told me he posted something on his niece's facebook wall that I thought was private. He said it was the only way he could get her attention and actually it worked because he got a call from her. That incident made me think about this blog and how public it is. Although I never intended to put anyone on blast here, I realize that the very family members that I have issues with could be reading this every day. Here I am thinking they don't know what's going on with my mother and don't really care, but in actuality any information they need is right here. Sadly, that makes it even worse because I have been sharing my feelings, my frustrations, my confusion and my pain for weeks now. If they know that and still have not called then shame on them. I can't even bring myself to call them because I don't know what to say. I reached out for help and got nothing. When I get nothing, I give nothing.
This feels like a very melodramatic entry tonight but this is my space and I can say anything I want. Whoever has a problem with it can stop reading or leave a comment. Let's see who's got moxie.